right temporal lobers.com

i have recently begun reading a book about the physiology of spirituality. the book is fascinating.
it turns out that the right temporal lobe is the part of our brain which controls spiritual feelings. if a person prays or is having a spiritual phenomenon that is the part of the brain which becomes active. conversely, if this part of the brain is activated one will have a spiritual experience. it can be as mild as a pleasant feeling or as remarkable as leaving one's body, seeing seeing spiritual beings, conversing with god, or some sort of higher being, and seeing people who have died.
this could be a blow to spiritual phenomenon. making it appear it is merely an interesting side effect of our physical make-up, however, i think this need not necessarily be the case.
if spiritual phenomenon is true, it makes sense a person may need to have a part of their brain which is able to process the information, and now we have found it.
perhaps when this part of the brain is activated it allows a person to experience genuine parts of reality that are other wise hidden from our view.
it is now known there are aspects of reality we are not able to experience with our sense, such as electromagnetic waves outside of the visible spectrum, sounds that are of a pitch too high or too low for us to comprehend. and things much more exotic, like dark matter.
so it doesn't seem like much of a stretch to assume there is much that could be around us our sense cannot detect and has yet to be detected by machines.
perhaps when certain parts of our brain are activated it allows our senses to experience these things otherwise unavailable to us.
if this is so, it also has implication for certain drugs and mental illness.
those who have experienced hallucinogenic drugs (which i LOVE and think are so AWESOME!) knows that profound, even life changing spiritual experiences can happen. amazing things are felt and seen. could it be possible that these are actual elements of reality that the drugs are opening up the mind to experience? shamans and native people who consider certain drugs sacred would probably think so.
the same could be said of certain mental illness. a person's chemicals become unbalanced and it allows them to experience parts of reality in ways they do not normally. but often unpleasantly, uncontrolled.


if anyone is interested. i update more often in diaryland.

i have been trying to post mirror postings here and in blogger but don't always keep up with it.
also, don't forget to check out my flickr account which i update regularly, that is, if you are interested in flickr accounts.



about five minutes ago i hear a big pick up truck pulling up outside.
my cabin property is down a very long driveway, maybe about a football feilds length. i never hear anyone drive down it except my landlord so i stepped outside to see what was up.
some guy gets out of the truck. he is middle aged. has his shirt unbuttoned. seems like the sort of guy you would see in a commercial or tv show watching football and drinking a beer.
he walks up to me in a kind of matter of fact way that made me scared. like he was going to punch me in the face. i was going to step back in my cabin but decided not to, since my sense of reason told me it was very very unlikely a stranger would drive up to my cabin and punch me in the face.

he introduced himself as living on the property next door.
next door is a weird place. there is a small canyon between the two properties where a stream runs into the sound. the canyon is maybe... thirty feet deep, with very gradual walls one could easily walk down.
that property has always been a mystery. there are several trailers and a big tent. like a circus size tent, but in army green. sometimes there music is so loud it sounds as if it is in my cabin. they listen to things from phish to pearl jam to classic rock.

he tells me his name. he seems kind of drunk.
he says he and peter my landlord used to be friends, but are not anymore, but it does not affect him and i.
he points to a shovel in the ground about ten feet away from my cabin and says that is the property line.

he points to a tree by the shovel and says 'see that tree? i could go take a shit on that tree if i wanted to.'
i laugh and say 'okay'
he says 'but i won't. i am a regular guy' (but i think you can judge for yourself that he is not)
i say: have there been any problems? is everything okay?
he says 'yeah, everything is fine. i just wanted to see who peter is living with. if you ever have any problems with me, just come over and tell me.'
me: 'okay. so nothing is wrong?'
him: no, just come to meet the new neighbor. you can come visit anytime.

then he starts to walk away and says: peter (my landlord) should be raped in prison.
he is about thirty feet away now so i shout 'WHY?!'
he then picks something up off peter's porch. i could tell what, but it was maybe a sprinkler and smashes it on a rock'
again i shout, 'WHY SHOULD HE BE RAPED?!'
he just says 'and i have a lot of friends in prison'
then gets in his truck and drives off.
all in all a pretty funny situation.
and my landlord seems to be becoming a worse and worse person the more i hear about him, although he has always been very nice to me.



yesterday i went to the interfaith student group i joined.
i really really really like it! i am excited for next weeks meeting.
each week we have a dinner, discuss inter faith topics, share things from our own religious back grounds, maybe have a game. frequently we will have guest speakers.
the man who runs it i really like. he is the sort of guy i would like to emulate. so far myself feeling very similar to him in many ways, and he has yet to do or say anything i have not liked. perhaps he can become a mentor to me.
he has that some people develop as they age? fit, gray haired, but very light looking, as if their bright spirit is shining through. you know how by the time people reach their fifties or so their countenances often become physically set in their faces. and his is set very warm, inviting, wise and understanding.
he is a quaker, and a teacher of world religions.
after the meeting something interesting happened. he pulled me aside and said i have a very bright spirit. to big to be contained by mormonism or any system and that i would go on to create my own system or movement.
funny. i don't entirely know what he means by that, but it felt good to hear.
i am looking forward to getting to know him better and perhaps having him as a sort of mentor.

and on Wednesday i am going in with some other boy to officially form a falun gong student group.



i can imagine it must be difficult for the star trek creators to think of different ways for aliens to look. after all, there are only so many ways one can make someone have a weird forehead, since apparently intelligent species that evolve light years away generally only differ in how their foreheads are shaped. either smooth, smooth with tattoos. or bumpy. bumpy seems the most common. although i can't imagine what evolutionary purpose bumps on a forehead might have, numerous species across the universe have evolved a variety of bumpy forehead designs.
recently i have been watching the last season of star trek the next generation online. which i believe is the best one. the show only got better with time. it never 'jumped the shark'.
however, in one of the later episodes the creators seemed to perhaps have exhausted their creativity in trying to imagine different forehead designs. in their need to choose something they apparently decided to just put a vagina on the forehead. (i used my new knowledge and love of screen shots to capture these imagines. for mac users: apple button + shift + 4)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


something i am grateful about.

Recently i watched a documentary about Gordon b. Hinckley. while watching it i felt such an overwhelming gratitude to no longer be apart of the church.

It is not that i do not like gordon hinckley, i like him a lot. But the documentary involved much footage of other church leaders and church leadership in general.
I felt so grateful to no longer feel these men had any authority over me. Men who otherwise would not necessarily be men i look up to, and yet were meant to be my spiritual gurus. Some of these men, in fact many, would actually be men who have a world view i see as incorrect. Generally very conservative and dogmatic. Many come from the business world. not an element of society i would normally look towards for guidance.
not that i think any of these men have malicious or bad intentions, but not men i would otherwise look to for guidance on how to live or about god or spirituality.
and yet, when a part of the church, not only are these men, men you might look to for guidance on how to live, but it becomes a sin to not follow their instruction. i believe this created a certain amount of cognitive dissonance in myself, and perhaps others like me. my mind became partitioned, on one hand i felt compelled to follow these men's instruction, on the other hand i recognized they were not men i felt much connection to, or much in common with.

this feeling of not having much in common with these men also created in me a sense of alienation. because i felt so different than those i was supposed to follow, i felt... out of place.

occasionally i will still attend a church meeting and like to keep up on church news, and some times browse around the church website. when i hear statements from leaders that are either only mildly interesting, or perhaps i disagree with the statements all together, it feels so great to feel no compulsion to try and compel myself to somehow believe or a agree with what is being said.
and watching how the members take so seriously what they are hearing, turning off the critical aspect of their minds is a bit disconcerting. i wonder if this creates a certain amount of cognitive dissonance in the average member. on one hand they live in a culture where any sort of unquestioned authority is seen as bad, yet they are a part of a culture of unquestioned authority. although i realize there can be a certain amount of comfort for people to no have to figure certain things out. things that may be very difficult to figure out. it can be nice to place that moral responsibility on someone else. and if they are wrong? god won't judge you for it because you were just being obedient.
obedience. such a virtue in mormonism. but is that what god really wants? automatans? that is something i like about the Baha'is. the independent investigation of truth is very important to them. blind obedience is shunned.
although i am actually glad i was raised in the church, i truly feel so grateful to be apart of it. never have i been happier. i am able to feel happy most all of the time, whereas in mormonism it was a bit more of an emotional roller. perhaps i will write more on that later.

i had written this on sept eleventh two thousand seven

i would advise everyone to not look at or even go near a calender today. but if you must, please to not stare at the date!!!!

beyond the grave

I have recently become again interested in near death type experiences and similar books where people claim to have contact with the other side. (mostly i was looking for books at the library that would be uplifting and provide a pleasant escape, while I am still transitioning to living away from Utah, plus i have so much free time since school does not begin until the 24th. These books have provided exactly what I was craving. so has star trek, the next generation. there are so many episodes of it online. i have been watching an average of three per day!)
I have read a few near death books before, and recently finished one, and another book on pre-birth experiences, which was very interesting. The woman who wrote the pre-birth book, i suspect was Mormon. She never said it directly but a few things in the book caused me to suspect.(you know how there is certain mormon language, plus the notion of pre-existence is a mormon concept) The book was very interesting. It was a collection of accounts people have had with people before they are born. Often it may be a mother who has decided to have no more children, then has a dream or vision of her yet unborn child asking her to allow his or her birth.

currently i am reading a very interesting serious of books. they are called 'seth books'.
the books, i believe there are ten in the serious, are transcripts of a dialogue that occurred between a married couple and a spirit named Seth around the 1960s.
they first began messing around with a ouiji board and eventually began regularly contacting a man named frank watts, who later asked to be called seth. they began recording their conversations with him. after a while, the wife noticed she was receiving the answers the board would spell out in her mind before the board would spell them. eventally, they stop using the board and the wife is able to act as a medium for seth to communicate.
what is interesting about the information they receive is how closely it seems to conform with the information my old love Emmanuel Swedenborg received. as well as what is seen and learned by the people who have near death experiences.
all of these, Emanuel Swedenborg, The Seth volumes, the accounts of near death experiences, and those of pre-birth experiences all seem to witness of the same things, which to me, gives the impression of truthfulness.
i have found it interesting, how much each of these descriptions of the divine confirm the doctrines taught by the Baha'is. and to a lesser degree, some of what was taught by Joseph Smith, however it contradicts Mormon doctrine in someways.
One very common thing either asked by the experiencers is about the role of religion. the answer is always the same, most all religion is good. (though not necessarily of equal goodness) different religions speak to people on different levels. there is no on true group. but that religion can have negative effects when it causes people to close themselves to outside truths or groups of people.

also, everyone experiences that the after life appears to come in infinite levels of degrees that correspond and that progression can take place after one has died. a doctrine taught by both Baha'i and Mormonism.

another thing i have found interesting in reading these books is no one EVER meets god. or Jesus. people often meet a being they think might be Jesus, because he is so kind and loving. but never is it confirmed to them.


i think the thing that is so great about pizza is it's delicious taste.


in most cities i have been, the downtown is a mix of two different types of people and establishments. first: big corporate type businesses like office buildings, banks headquarters etc and the businesses that cater to the business folk, like fancy restaurants and cafes. these are the adults and business people
then there are the small time places like coffee shops, cafes record stores, thrift stores used book stores etc. generally with a counter culture feel. these are the kids.
both these two distinct world's interacting side by side.
but downtown Olympia is almost exclusively the second type of people and businesses. there may be a couple banks downtown, and i can't think of any offices or any place where a business person might be.
because of this, when you walk downtown, which is fairly active throughout the day and evening, all you see and interact with are young hip people. everyone working at every place is a young hip person. since all the businesses are independent and generally cater to the counter culture kids the employees tend to be extra counter culture versus the regular person on the street.
it is an interesting sensation. it makes the city feel as if it is run entirely by kids. i have never been in such an environment before.
i guess college campuses are primarily kids, but they don't have the feeling of being run by the kids.
i find myself being surprised to kind of miss the corporate element downtown.
with all the news about that football player killing dogs and setting up dog fights i am pretty surprised to have not heard or read any news person comment about how what vick had done is no worse than what is done by the meat industry every second of every day. and things done in the name of science. like slowly heating up dogs until they die to study the effects of heat on an animal. (it kills them).
i don't know much about the dog fighting industry, but i imagine they even keep their animals in more comfortable living environments than the american meat industry. only because it is difficult to imagine an environment worse than what animals raised to be eaten live in. and since they are dealing with far less animals there would be little need to keep the animals in such tiny quarters. so perhaps the dog hand on the meat industry, which is supported by most people.
oh, i just saw max wrote an entry about this topic.

world order

At the u of u library i checked out some old collections of the American Baha'i periodical called 'World Order' (which i think is kind of funny because of it's similarity to 'new world order' which conservatives fear so much and is not entirely unlike what baha'i actually teach).
I was able to get one collection from the 1930's and one from the 1960's.
What i was most struck by in looking through these is how very similar everything written is to things currently put out by Baha'i's, which i think says a lot to their credit. One, about how radical their teachings were for their time, and two, how little their teachings are a reflection of culture and society, unlike many other religions.
With the exception of a few cultural references and dates, i think if i were to read one of these articles not being aware of when they were written i would assume they are written today.
my natural instinct is to compare everything i read about or by any religion with Mormonism since it is what i am most familiar with.
Meghan bought a copy of a Mormon booklet about morality from... i think the sixties. reading it is often laugh out loud funny because of how outdated it is. Many parts extremely sexist and naive, both scientifically and philosophically. That is just forty years ago. Anyone who has looked through church publications from early church history or even early to mid nineteen hundreds realizes how radically different are the ways and types of issues discussed, and occasionally even the doctrines themselves have changed. if one studies these changes of emphasis and doctrine it is easy to see how clearly they follow changes in time and culture.
Jan Shipps, prominent scholar on Mormonism said that if one were to attend Mormon church one hundred years ago it would be unrecognizable in contrast with modern Mormonism. In just one hundred years.
i think this also speaks a lot for Mormonism. how can one be expected to put their entire trust in an institution that is not consistent? will kids who get a hold of church publications forty years from now laugh out loud when they read them because of how surprising it is people once held certain views?
so i really appreciated seeing how consistent the Bahai's have been throughout their history. It allows me to feel comfortable trusting that the things they say have an objective truth and are not subject to change with times.
and it is not as if current Bahai's are so similar with past Baha'is because they are backward and not up to date culturally, stubbornly holding onto old belief systems, but rather that past Bahai's were so ahead of their times. In era's of deep racial prejudice and intolerance of all types their message has always been one of unity and tolerance.
As late as "1949, while criticizing the legislative efforts in Arizona to 'guarantee rights of Negroes,' LDS presidency counselor David O. McKay said, 'The South knows how to handle them and they do not have any trouble, and the colored people are better off down there--[but] in California they are becoming very progressive and insolent in many cases.' Likewise, in 1950 Counselor Clark wrote: 'Race tolerance: the trend is just terrible'"!
(i am using mormonism specifically but i am sure much of what i am saying could apply to much of Christianity generally)

Meanwhile by this time the Baha'i's, had already been teaching racial and gender equality for over one hundred years. Even encouraging interracial marriage rather than saying it deserved to be punished by death, as was the case during Brigham Young's presidency and was still discouraged up until the seventies.'
Of course now president Hinckley makes statements about how anyone who is disparaging of other races is not a disciple of Christ, and while it is wonderful such things are being taught, I figure, aren't i much better off going with the group that did not take until it was nearly a complete social taboo to criticize other races to come to such a position, but had been teaching such things since it's inception?



i have decided my heart lies forever with diaryland. i may write in this blog on rare occasions, but i think i will now be writing in my old flame, diaryland


i made my first youtube video.
for it to make sense you first need to watch this video: i'm your ghost i would recommend watching the entire thing to get an idea of how strange it is that such a thing would exist.
then watch this video, which is a response to the first video.
you may want to click on some of the other videos which are a response to the first and second one, to get an idea of the responses and and comments that have developed around it.
now you can watch my video: re: i'm your ghost
you can also feel free to embed it on your profile or leave it for a comment to others. or burn it onto a dvd and give a copy to everyone you have ever known.


drunk driving.

when i hear statistics about how drowsy driving is as dangerous as drunk driving, the biggest message i come away from that with is that drunk driving is way less dangerous than i ever imagined. i have driven while drowsy countless times. is drunk driving only that dangerous?



i have been very very very lucky this past month. twice i have won a lottery in the uk. it appears the same lottery. i never even entered it once so i feel very blessed to have won it twice.
in addition to this, at least three wealthy people have died in africa without any heirs. somehow i was chosen to accept their inheritances. three different unrelated people!
i have been informed about all of this through email. i guess i have been kind of busy this month and so haven't gotten around to writing any of them back yet, but when i do i will be very rich.


christopher arrests.

Christopher was arrested for making threats to journalist and blogger Ben Smith.

Christopher was arrested for disorderly conduct in a hospital

Christopher was arrested for ‘Breach of the Peace'

Christopher, was arrested for the stabbing of a fellow soldier.

Christopher, was arrested for engaging in sex with a 16-year-old boy.

Christopher was arrested for being dumb enough to get hurt

Christopher was arrested for killing Jerica


time travel

it seems that whenever someone travels through time in a television show or movie, the moral of their time travels is that the future is not fixed, we make of our lives whatever we want.
on a somewhat related topic, one joke that is popular in movies and t.v. shows these days is to have a character say something like 'i will never in my life step foot on that boat' then the camera cuts to that person stepping onto the boat.
one joke i do like from t.v. is in that documentaries when those dolphins jump through the simpsons chests.


a fun game.

i think this game is so fun.


there is so much genius in the world. all around us. in all a varieties. so often i have wanted to be apart of it. as if that would somehow make me happier. but i think i will need to accept my fate of only being a fan. and i guess this is fine. accepting mediocrity seems like it can be important for one's mental health. because even if i were a genius, how much good would that do me other than feed some sort of need for value by having something superior to others.
so i can just sit back and admire the accomplishments of others.



of all the drugs i have tried, my favorite is Electrolytes. if life deals you gators just make gatorade, then you have your electrolytes.



imagine if one time in a sacrament meeting, when the person was giving the opening prayer instead of beginning it traditionally by saying 'heavenly father....' they begin, 'Dear Elohim, lord of Kolob...' and imagine if it was a well respected member of the congregation like the bishop or even stake president.
this is probably taking the joke to far, but maybe he could even close it 'in the name of the third nephite, amen'


i spent the night at isaac's Saturday night. i always have fun when i do that. i enjoy spending time with isaac. someone who is so very intelligent. we have good talks about things that i rarely have the opportunity to discuss in such depth. we played chess and ate taquitos and chips.
even though he only lives in salt lake when i stay over there i feel as if i am on vacation from my normal life. as i can leave my provo troubles behind me.
that can be one of the draws of moving. when i am in other cities i feel so nice there, away from my life in provo. but were i to move there i can imagine the discontents i have with provo could follow me. who knows. i am still planning on moving soon. there isn't really anything keeping me here.


i want the shades drawn. and an overgrown lawn.

there is a song that sings 'want do i want with my life now that you're gone? i want your ghost gone'.
what an appropriate line. it is amazing and ridiculous to me that a short interaction with someone can continue to have such a deep impact in my life. that this person's ghost is still able to loom so large.
to make it all the more pathetic i imagine the spot i occupy in this person's mind is next to nothing. something hardly remembered, and in those occasions when i am remembered it is probably with an sigh of regret. something along the lines of 'what was i thinking?'
of course over time the longing and pain has eased considerably. i used to dream of her every single night, now, only on occasion, this gives me hope. imagine how i will be when twice the amount of time that has now passed passes? especially if i am able to find someone else to replace what is longed for.
i have found myself asking people how long it takes them to recover from brokenheartedness. a common response has been about a year. although one has said she has never stopped feeling brokenhearted, even after four years.
amazing that relationships can be so non-reciprocal. that one person can feel one way so strongly, while the other feels nothing.
i felt i had discovered a cave, so rich with treasure whose depth and brilliance was exciting to mine and explore. stimulating my passions and causing me to feel i had entered into a new world whose beauty i had not before realized.
i think one challenge for me has been that our interaction was so brief. brief yet very intense.
because of this, i am left in that fictional world of first knowing someone, when your mind romances and fills in what is not known. had our interaction been longer, who knows what could have happened, perhaps we would have gradually seen one anothers flaws and grown apart naturally, rather than bizarre and unfortunate circumstances shoving us apart suddenly. leaving me longing for what could have been. a longing based on what may only be my imagination.
so this is what future girls have to compete with. my imagination of what someone may be. this is unfair to anyone because perhaps my imagination has no basis in reality. who could someone compete with that? compete with my hoping of what a person is.

it is like some sort of arrow that a ninja or medieval person may have used, that once the arrow enters the victims chest, the arrowhead expands, sticking barbs into the surrounding organs and muscles so it cannot be removed without breaking bones and tearing muscles and organs. because of this i was scared to take it out, despite the pain, and so i left it in. it grew infected.
but the wound is healing, and i am still waiting for this ghost to be gone.



tonight i found out rice king has a vegetarian menu full of tons of fake meat dishes. i am so excited about this. i think i will begin eating there more often. the waiter is so funny. he is so casual. when asking our order he sat down at the table across from us.



it is funny to me how much i like the movie idiocracy. when i first watched it i laughed a lot and enjoyed it but did not necessarily think the movie was exceptional. but afterwards i found myself frequently thinking about it. i would remember funny parts and want to see them again. so i would watch the movie again. when i would rewatch it i wouldn't get bored, if anything i enjoyed it more, noticing things i hadn't before.
i have now watched the movie, i think seven times in the last month. and i would not be opposed to watching it again with someone who was interested in seeing it.



there have only been a handful of movies i have seen in the theater that have caused me to want to walk out.
one was fifty first dates. the jokes were so awful.
another i saw last thursday. it was called 'Ghostrider'. before seeing it the only knowledge i had of it was i had seen a poster of a picture of a skeleton who was on fire riding a motorcycle and thought it seemed like something i would not be interested in. i had never heard of the comic book it was based on or seen any previews for it.
i saw it with caleb because it was his birthday and he wanted to see it.
i felt that every time the movie had an opportunity to be bad, for example being very cliche or otherwise unpleasant, it took that opportunity.
because of this i found myself totally disinterested in the character, johnny blaze, or what would happen to him.
another movie i feel took every possible opportunity to be bad, even more so than ghostrider, is 'left behind'.

study group

i am so so pleased with my participation in the baha'i faith.
i enjoy so much the baha'i study group i attend. each time the discussions have been rich and enlightening. i come away feeling uplifted and inspired for positive change.
one thing i love about the baha'is in contrast with other faiths i have participated in is the topics and principals that are emphasized. i feel they are very applicable to my life, and presented in clear ways, allowing me to benefit more than i feel i have from any other faith.
i feel the things taught by Baha'ullah, more than anything else i have yet experienced, provide good, clear direction for how individuals and groups should live.

in Mormonism a great deal of emphasis is placed on things like faith, atonement, being a disciple, sexual purity, fulfilling callings, being worthy, loving god etc. while i can see the value of these things, for the most part they are principals i long ago stopped believing.

other churches seem to place enormous amounts of importance on praising god, loving god etc. something that may indirectly improve a persons way of living, but is not something i see as incredibly important.

however with the baha'is, their main emphasis is on things like tolerance, equality(racial, religious, gender), honesty, independent investigation of truth, self examination, the oneness of humanity, etc. while these are things that may be touched upon by other faiths, it is not their main emphasis.
i feel the baha'i teachings, and ways of teaching more easily create the kind of people and communities our world needs.
they have several similar doctrines as mormonism, such as eternal marriage, eternal progression, heaven and hell as metaphor.

one of the only things about mormonism i prefer to the baha'is is their theology on god and the human being.
in mormonism individuals are intelligences, uncreated, that have always existed, in that sense equal to god. god is unique because he is further advanced and acts a spiritual father to guide us into becoming similar to him. he himself having been required to progress as we are now.

while i am not sure if necessarily believe this, i enjoy it. because a great confusion of mine is why would people exist. why would god want to create beings, just to test them in something they may or may not be successful.
islam says that god created people so they can know god. but i think, why would he bother? this all powerful perfect being, why would he go to the trouble to create people to know and worship him? you think he would be more self actualized than to need that.
but in mormonism it is that these beings already existed, and so this god character is doing what he can to help them along, having greater experience and so is able to serve as an appropriate guide.
this is kind of a godless theology. there is no one all powerful being ruling over everything, but rather uncreated always existing beings, finding themselves existing, so working together towards what they see as the best possible reality.

i would be so happy if my friends and family would embrace the baha'i faith. i think it is something that could be of great benefit for them. however i see this as unlikely. but i am fine with that.
i would love to find a baha'i girl to marry. and i look forward to raising my children as a part of the baha'i community.


hiro's hero.

it seems that whenever someone does something heroic and are then praised as a hero the hero won't acknowledge that what they did was heroic. they say things like 'i just did what anyone in that situation would have done'.
i was thinking if i ever did something heroic and was interviewed by some media i would like to say something like 'i don't think hero is a strong enough word for what i did.'



this time of year has a certain bleakness to it. after the snow has melted and the weather has warmed a bit, but before anything new has begun to grow.
everything outside has a lifeless feeling. everything is covered in a thin layer of dirt from when the snow melted and the grass is all matted and smooshed down.
aside from that i am happy it has become much warmer and brighter.. it lifts my soul.


i overheard someone saying this on his telephone yesterday.
'i never came but she was coming all over the place. i was thinking about snowboarding the whole time.'



isn't so much of life about 'what in the world is going on?'
we, all of us, have found ourselves suddenly existing. surrounded by other people who also exist. surrounded by all sorts of things.
what is all this?
we want so much for it to be something. to have some sort of meaning. so we have religion to answer the why questions. why is there anything. why are we.
we have science to answer the what and how questions. what is all this stuff and how does it work? how can we use it to our advantage.
we have politics to help us get along with each other on a large scale.
we have philosophy to help make sense of it all.
but seriously, what is going on? i feel so perplexed by everything that is the universe.
in one sense it does not matter too much. whatever the answer is to all our big questions we still need to get our food and houses and have friends and things to do.
i like that line by r.e.m. that goes 'You want to see forever-You want to go out Friday And you want to go forever.' i don't know if this is what micheal stipe meant, but i interpret that line as speaking of our desire for transcendence and ultimate knowledge, but coexisting with that is our desire to have fun things to do. that even if you suddenly knew everything, you would still want something to do on fridays.

i finished this today.

i finished this today. i returned my digital camera a while ago because i did not think it was very good, so i had to photograph it with my computers built in camera. that means it is reversed and not great quality.


it is difficult to want something more than you want anything else when there is literally, as far as i know, nothing i can do to get it.
all i can do is either try to not want it. or try and be okay with wanting it and never being able to get it.
time helps.


i like the idea of reincarnation because it evens out the seeming inequality that is our earth life.
if this earth life is meant as a sort of test, trial, or growth experience, how can it be a fair one if some people are born into middle class devoutly religious homes, have high i.q.'s and mild temperaments with parents who are loving, tolerant etc. and some people are born to drug addicted, abusing, with no opportunity for an education etc homes.
some people only live five years while others live 120. some are even aborted or miscarried fetuses.
if such a wide range of experiences exist, how could this be any sort of a just test or trial. why even bother having such a test.
but if people are being born again and again, it seems the inequality would end up smoothing itself out. people would get the opportunity to have all variety of experience.


i don't have a lot of reasons to think this, but i have a few reasons. but it is my opinion that jesus is alive somewhere on earth today. one reason is the Mayan prophecy about 2012. since the mayan's made accurate predictions about 1844 and 1863 i am inclined to trust their powers of prophecy.
i am also inclined to trust the prophetic powers of Baha'ullah who said that when that 'blessed beauty' should return he would be a man, born to parents who would eat, drink and walk the streets. that the 'clouds' he is prophesied to return in refer to the clouds of tradition which cause people to doubt.
because of this, i feel that if he is intended to return in 2012 (i would guess by return, it is meant he will make some sort of declaration of who he is), it makes sense he would be a grown man by that time, and since it is only five years away he must now be living and doing stuff.
it is also my opinion that he lives somewhere in north America, likely the United States. i think this because of the Baha'i prophecy that the next manifestation will come from the west.
i like trying to imagine this person. what sort of things he might be doing right now. what sort of music, food, art etc. does he like.
it is not too difficult to imagine his character. probably very gentle, honest, loving, wise, patient, funny, humble etc.
of course i could be wrong about all this. but either way. i feel just having the idea that such a person exists, and trying to imagine what they are like in my imagination and emulate that helps me be a better person.
because trying to imagine historical Jesus, or Buddha or Krsna or other manifestations, while helpful can be a bit too abstract because they lived in times so different than our own.
i want to keep my eyes peeled for this person. keep my self aware so i can recognize this manifestation when and if i have any sort of encounter with him. who knows, maybe he is even on Myspace. i would imagine that despite his noble character, because of the outrageousness of his claim many people will not take it serious.



having a favorite book and falling in love feel similar to me. similar in that it is hard for me to imagine me having a favorite book, or falling in love.

i love books. i read many, but no book do enjoy enough that i would want to give it the status of being my favorite. no book i have read have i wished i had written it.

i suppose every book is a reflection of the author's soul. just as other pieces of art, like poetry, music or painting. but other pieces of art are much quicker reflections. or reflections of just one aspect,i imagine this would make it easier to fully connect with a person. whereas a book contains so much information, touches on so many aspects of the author's character, it would be more difficult for it to fully connect with a person.

although i realize a person's ability to make quality art does not fully or necessarily reflect on their character. some people i admire are not gifted in artistic ways, and some art i love is not made with a full comprehension of why it is good, and so is not a true reflection of the creator.

what i am trying to say is that while other pieces of art can fully speak to me and be everything i want that piece of art to be, no book has done this, though i am open to the possibility of such a book existing.
there are so many books it seems easy to imagine i may never discover it if it exists.

as well it is also amazing to me that so many people do have favorite books. each person is so unique and so specific how can so many have found a book they can connect with fully?

this is also i feel about love. how can so many people have fallen in love? it seems like such an impossible task to meet another individual you enjoy so much you would want to spend your entire life with, even share the same bed every night. and yet this happens to most people.
of all the billions of people you wouldn't be in love with, most people are able to find someone. amazing.
and while i am open to the possibility of one day finding this person, it is difficult for me to imagine.
i wonder, how many people in this world could i' find true love' with? one hundred? one thousand? even if there are as many as one thousand girls in this world i could be in love with i still must be in the right place at the right time for this to happen. so easily could i miss that opportunity.


even though i tend to like what i make with oil paints more than what i make with water colors, i more enjoy the process of using water colors. they are so clean easy and quick to dry. as well as mobile. i can easily carry my water colors with me in my purse as well as a little bottle of water.
oils look wonderful but are so messy. i must be careful to not let the paint touch any surface i don't want to permanently be painted on. this requires a lot of time to prepare an area for painting. plus they take so long to dry. because of this i have primarily used water colors for the past couple years.
i also like the idea of water colors. or the feeling i have when i think of them. they give me a feeling of being gentle, calm, unobtrusive.



it seems i frequently meet people who have heard of me. i don't mind this. even if what they have heard is not necessarily positive i don't have problem with people speaking of me when i am not around. i realize it is something we all do, and i do not necessarily think it is a bad thing. i think that 'gossip' is a cohesive thing. it is something people bond over. talking about people they know.
for the most part, when i meet people who have heard of me, it seems they have heard positive things, because they will walk up to me and introduce themselves.
but when people have heard of me, it seems they always hear of me as 'chris allman' rather than just chris. likely this is because of how common the name chris is. so it is not uncommon to have people i know only as acquantances refer to me always as 'chris allman' rather than just chris.

things i do.

these are the things i do with my time:
read books. i am currently reading 'the elegent universe'. The Koran and book of short stories.
I usually take a walk everyday. the most common places for me to walk are to the library or byu campus. usually this depends on the weather. if the weather is poor i will likely just end up walking to the provo library since it is closer. if i end up there i will usually stay for an hour or so reading. while walking i either listen to music on my ipod or silence.
i find myself really enjoying mundane chores. like watering my plants or doing the dishes. i like having something to do that involves very few options on how to do it. this relates to a discussion i had with isaac about how when we increase our options it can decrease our happiness. i will write about that later. while i do things like wash the dishes i like to listen to public radio.
i make some sort of art on most days. currently i am making a diorama i am pleased with it. it involves an angel and children and a cloud. i most often listen to public radio while making art.
i try to exercise every day. either doing some combination of yoga stretches, or weight lifting or push-ups. i also try and do the falun gong exercises everyday, although recently i have not been doing as well.
on tuesdays i attend the bahai discussion group in slc. before it happens i often don't want to attend, but i am always glad i did during and afterwards. the discussions are great and uplifting. i like the people who attend.
i had signed up to be a hospice volunteer but i missed one of the training meetings and have yet to reschedule so that hasn't happened yet.
i was also trying to volunteer to teach reading at the prison, but the woman in charge never returned my calls so i finally stopped calling.
i typically hang out with friends a few days throughout the week, but as i wrote about earlier there is no one friend i seem to spend more time with than others. for a while meg and i were hanging out often but now she is dating scott we hang out less often.
sometimes i take drives.
sometimes i help my parents with different things. for example they have been moving lately and i have been helping them move. or sometimes my mom will need a ride to a doctors appointment so i will help with that.

speaking of faith.

the past few nights, as i have been going to bed i have been listening to the public radio show 'speaking of faith'.
i would say it is my second favorite radio show, the first being 'this american life'
i love the way the show explores the spiritual dimension of many aspects of life. like the spiritual aspects of business, sex, science, addiction or depression.
these are not discussions i often hear elsewhere. the discussions are often to spiritually based for normal news coverage, and too secular for normal religious discussion.


my plan, at this time, is to move to washington around may. hopefully take summer classes at evergreen.
i am hoping this will be good for me. give me more direction and focus.
hopefully i can make friends there and enjoy going to school at evergreen.
although i love school i have yet to have attended a school i love. talking to melissa makes me excited about evergreen. she talks about how life changing it is. also her talk of how much she loved olympia is encouraging.
then i think of how i will miss provo, but i have very few attatchments here so that should be okay.


at this point in time i don't feel i have any male friends who are too close. this is something uncommon for me. i feel i have always had a close male friend in my life since the eighth grade.
normally when one friend leaves my life, like when morgan began dating lindsay, another will immediately enter, the way jeff did.
since jeff has left for l.a. i don't feel anyone new has taken his place.
i live with caleb now who i felt fairly close to before his mission. but things have felt different since he has been back. we live together now but don't seem to talk or hang out much.
i have grown to like my roommate ryan, but it seems he is only interested in snowboarding and marijuana so it is difficult to create a strong connection.
i have been spending more time with isaac lately which i really enjoy. but he lives in salt lake and works hours that make it difficult to hang out more than once a week.
davey and i have both expressed interest to each other about becoming better friends. but things haven't seemed to coalesce for that yet. partly my own fault. he has made a good effort at inviting me to things but seem to be doing something else whenever he does.
i miss having a male best friend in my life



i bet when the casting director hired daniel radcliff to play harry potter, he or she was not expecting his face to remain child size while his head became as large as an adults.



last night i was feeling kind of lonely. i said a prayer in my heart asking to be less lonely. almost right after the prayer a friend stopped by. after that a friend called inviting me to dinner. after that was over a friend texted asking if i would like to watch a movie with her.
these actions could have been a direct result of the prayer. or could have been coincidence.
i enjoy the idea of it being a result of prayer because that gives me a feeling of being able to have an impact on things in areas of my life i might otherwise feel unempowered.
or it could be superstition. or obsessive compulsion. i did not understand obsessive compulsive disorder until talking to a friend who has somewhat severe ocd. What i did not understand about the rituals is that they are done because the person feels that
by doing the ritual it will cause something bad not to happen.
understanding this i realized i have a certain degree of ocd. sometimes i may, for example, see a piece of trash on the street and feel if i do not throw it away i may not have good things happen to me. things that are not inherently related to throwing the trash away.
it seems that religion, whether it be true or false creates a sort of mass ocd. the religious participants engage in rituals with the belief that by doing them good things will happen, and if they are not done bad things will happen. so perhaps all my prayer and devotions are merely obsessive compulsive ritual. when i do them i look for good things to occur and so am able to find them.
or perhaps my prayer and devotion truly does create divine intervention in my life. i suppose i must, for the most part, believe that is true. otherwise i wouldn't waste my time as often as i do.


secret blog

i guess this blog is not as secret as i had thought. i am not sure how many people are aware of it, but it having been mentioned to me by people i have not told about it allowed me to realize some people know of it.
there are certain things i might write about knowing this is not widely read i might not otherwise write about. like the entry below about appearance. i generally find it distasteful when people write about compliments received. well, it depends, if they are written about in a way that feels like 'hey, look at me! look at what people have said about me' then i find that distasteful. so, to avoid that i generally try to avoid writing positive things about myself, though i would sometimes like to.
i guess what i want to get across is i hope that entry below did not come off as 'hey look at these cool things people have said about me' because that was not what i intended.
my intention was just that i had thought i was perceived in one way, and have heard things that make me see some people see me in a different way.


i was thinking about the way we think of food. especially recently. and i suppose the way we think about most any sort of consumer good.
after we as people experienced processed foods, their convenience and taste, we have come to appreciate the value of eating things more natural. it is healthier for our bodies.
it seems we have developed this idea that things from nature are inherently more valuable. as if it's value comes from it's naturalness.
but suppose some things less natural were more healthy. one real life example of this may be genetically modified foods. all the facts are not yet known, but it appears there are no adverse health consequences when modifying food genetically and some health benefits.
assuming the data continues to be positive, this food is less 'natural' yet is a 'better' food.
many people seem to think that simply because something is 'natural', it is better than something synthesized.
i do think eating more naturally is better for people, but i don't think this is because anything natural is inherently more valuable. it just so happens that we evolved in certain ways to make use of what foods are available from the earth and so those tend to be best for our survival. but what if they weren't?
i thing about marijuana advocates who argue that since marijuana comes from the earth it must be good. this is silly because many things come from the earth which are bad for us like poison ivy and diarrhea.


world records

i saw a documentary about the world's tallest man. he was talking about how he feels he does not deserve to be in the Guinness book of world's records because his height is nothing he had any control over, that it was just caused by god, so if anything god should be in the Guinness worlds record book.
i thought that was very funny. imagine looking through that book and seeing a bunch of records attributed to god. god, for making the world's tallest man. god: for making the world's shortest woman. god: for making the worlds largest pizza. god: for making the world's tallest roller coaster. god: for being able to lift the most weights.
since, for this entry, i have created a hypothetical universe where the people from Guinness are attributing records to god, i also created a universe where god does things like make the world's largest pizza.



when it came to my own appearance, i have always felt reasonably satisfied with it, enjoying what i saw in the mirror. i had thought of my looks as being at that point where no one would see me and think, that boy is attractive, but also my looks would not be unpleasant enough to keep me from getting the affections of a girl i was otherwise compatible with.

earlier in my life i would occasionally receive appearance compliments, mostly things about how when i clean up i could look nice, though it was never anything that stood out much. never anything that caused me to think anything different about my appearance than what i wrote above.

but recently, the past many months, i have been getting many compliments about my looks. compliments that surprise and delight me each time.
i remember this summer at a club i went to with Jeff and Jesse a girl i found attractive told me i was a gorgeous boy.
a girl named Whitney i met earlier this summer told me i was 'really really ridiculously good looking'
a male gas station attendant asked me what food i eat. he said he wondered because i was beautiful and he wanted to look like me.
my grandfather's wife told me i look like a movie star, and kept calling me handsome.
when i ran into oliver and Raquel who i had not seen for a long time, Raquel told me i looked so pretty.
a while ago i was walking into a gas station and the gas station attendant asked if i knew two girls named Whitney(different Whitney than above) and heather. i knew them sort of. through myspace and seeing them once at a show. They saw me walking towards the gas station and told the attendant i was really attractive.
Danni firecircle sent me a myspace message saying 'i looked at a bunch of your pictures tonight and i thought to myself - maybe chirstopher tries to make himself look a little mussed up sometimes because if he didn't he'd be so beautiful none of us could look at him.thanks for being so considerate and not burning out my eyebulbs.
you have a very nice "fresh" face with nice skin and lips and eyes. you should look in the mirror for one extra minute today and notice your features.'

and other things people have said.
while it does feel good to hear positive things like these, a part of me does not like it because i then find myself starting to want to be attractive and live up to what people say. this does not necessarily change anything i do with my appearance. i still rarely shower or change my clothes, but i do find myself basing some of my feelings of worth on my appearance. feeling maybe a little down when i do not feel i look attractive, or when other people do not feel i look attractive, whereas before i would not have cared.

that is the funny thing about compliments. they can make you a slave to them. a person may not care much about having a certain quality because they feel it is not apart of them, then they may begin being told they do and it becomes something they may crave. they might begin to allow themselves to need to feel they have that quality to feel good about themselves when before they did not care.


male enhancement.

a little while ago i was watching t.v. and saw a commercial for a male enhancement pill. it wasn't an infomercial but it was longer than a normal commercial.
the main points of the commercial was that the pill had been effective for many men, and it was available to try free.
while watching the commercial i found myself being sold on those two points. i figured, it seemed like it had worked for these men and if it was available to try without any risk why not at least try it?
after a moment of this type of thinking, i realized even if i had no doubt the product would work, and i could always get it free, i would still have no interest in using the product.


this is an email i sent my mom last night. then her reply:

hi mom. i love you. i just wanted to apologize for everything this summer. sorry we had hard times together. i was definitely manic and delusional this summer and i realize all you wanted was to help me. thank you for your concern and being there for me.


Chris I love you so much!! Your sweet email made me cry with happiness. You are so dear to me I don't even know how to put it into words. This means so much to me, I know that you were not your self but I was heartbroken for you to ever think that I would ever do anything to hurt you, I will save this for ever!! I have saved every sweet email that you have ever sent to me. I don't want you to worry yourself about last summer. It was a hard time for both of us, and it just strengthens our love and we both know it was not in any way anything that you had control over, I am SO happy to have you back!!! Please let me know if you are not able to handle life and need extra support. I know how upsetting that can be. Dad and I will always be there for you. We will always love you no matter what.

I love you Chris very much!!!!


when i lived with jeff there were two child molesters i would see around my neighborhood when i was taking walks. i recognized him because i had seen him on the state sex offender registry. whenever i would see them i would start crying. because who wants to be a child molester? i have never had any attraction to a child. but does that make me any better than them? i just never had. it is nothing i have controlled. if i had who knows if i would have done something. maybe i would maybe i wouldn't. but i could never say.
i don't mean to justify child molesting in any sense because i recognize it is awful and ruins life. but in what way could i attempt to hold them to a standard i have never even had to fight against?


not having internet at my house i find myself not often updating internet diaries.
i have things i could write, but i find that when i am at a computer i don't have the motivation.
i am getting a computer in the mail, probably friday. then the internet will be set up on tuesday. perhaps i will write more in here when that happens.
i most hope having a lap top computer helps me focus on finishing the editing of my book. i had felt i was finished several months ago, but then decided to add considerably more to the book.
now i have money to print the manuscript and send it to agents i also have more motivation to have it in a complete format.
i usually use the internet at byu. i like being on this campus, i enjoy the feeling here. but i always feel a little bit uncomfortable that i may run into amanda.


awhile ago i saw a friend i had not seen for a while at the library. we talked for a while then he left. after a few minutes he came back and said 'you're powerful'
i responded with 'what do you mean?
he responded to that with 'you know you are'
i responded with 'no, what do you mean'
he responded with 'i feel something powerful when i look in your eyes'. then he left.
a chinese woman i had a conversation with a few weeks later said something similar.
it is things like that which i am unsure of how to incorporate. everything but a handful of things i could pass as coincedence or mental illness.
i realize i can remain agnostic on the issue because it does not make much difference if it is true or not. it does not, as far as i can tell, make much or any difference in the way i would live my life.
i cannot see what difference it would make. i still ahve the same desires and goals.


i think i would like to keep this blog for a while without telling any person. i tend to have much of my thoughts and feelings public, because i write so often i diaryland.
i find it helpful to write, knowing what i am writing will be read by others. when i am considering that my words will be read by another, it causes me to be more deliberate in what i am writing. i strive for a greater clarity in my words than i might if only writing for myself. when i write for only myself i don't necessarily need to explain in as much depth as i might otherwise, since i already understand what i am saying. it is more of a record, than a means to explain.
but when i am writing knowing it will be read by others i feel the need to explain the idea as fully and richly as possible in hopes of being fully understood.
also when writing, knowing it will be read by others, i tend to be more likely tobe imagining how others might be responding in their minds or with comments, and so i attempt to address those concerns.
wow, writing is such a catharsis for me. just right now, i as i am writing i feel such a release of stress i had not even fully noticed before.

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