secret blog

i guess this blog is not as secret as i had thought. i am not sure how many people are aware of it, but it having been mentioned to me by people i have not told about it allowed me to realize some people know of it.
there are certain things i might write about knowing this is not widely read i might not otherwise write about. like the entry below about appearance. i generally find it distasteful when people write about compliments received. well, it depends, if they are written about in a way that feels like 'hey, look at me! look at what people have said about me' then i find that distasteful. so, to avoid that i generally try to avoid writing positive things about myself, though i would sometimes like to.
i guess what i want to get across is i hope that entry below did not come off as 'hey look at these cool things people have said about me' because that was not what i intended.
my intention was just that i had thought i was perceived in one way, and have heard things that make me see some people see me in a different way.


i was thinking about the way we think of food. especially recently. and i suppose the way we think about most any sort of consumer good.
after we as people experienced processed foods, their convenience and taste, we have come to appreciate the value of eating things more natural. it is healthier for our bodies.
it seems we have developed this idea that things from nature are inherently more valuable. as if it's value comes from it's naturalness.
but suppose some things less natural were more healthy. one real life example of this may be genetically modified foods. all the facts are not yet known, but it appears there are no adverse health consequences when modifying food genetically and some health benefits.
assuming the data continues to be positive, this food is less 'natural' yet is a 'better' food.
many people seem to think that simply because something is 'natural', it is better than something synthesized.
i do think eating more naturally is better for people, but i don't think this is because anything natural is inherently more valuable. it just so happens that we evolved in certain ways to make use of what foods are available from the earth and so those tend to be best for our survival. but what if they weren't?
i thing about marijuana advocates who argue that since marijuana comes from the earth it must be good. this is silly because many things come from the earth which are bad for us like poison ivy and diarrhea.


world records

i saw a documentary about the world's tallest man. he was talking about how he feels he does not deserve to be in the Guinness book of world's records because his height is nothing he had any control over, that it was just caused by god, so if anything god should be in the Guinness worlds record book.
i thought that was very funny. imagine looking through that book and seeing a bunch of records attributed to god. god, for making the world's tallest man. god: for making the world's shortest woman. god: for making the worlds largest pizza. god: for making the world's tallest roller coaster. god: for being able to lift the most weights.
since, for this entry, i have created a hypothetical universe where the people from Guinness are attributing records to god, i also created a universe where god does things like make the world's largest pizza.



when it came to my own appearance, i have always felt reasonably satisfied with it, enjoying what i saw in the mirror. i had thought of my looks as being at that point where no one would see me and think, that boy is attractive, but also my looks would not be unpleasant enough to keep me from getting the affections of a girl i was otherwise compatible with.

earlier in my life i would occasionally receive appearance compliments, mostly things about how when i clean up i could look nice, though it was never anything that stood out much. never anything that caused me to think anything different about my appearance than what i wrote above.

but recently, the past many months, i have been getting many compliments about my looks. compliments that surprise and delight me each time.
i remember this summer at a club i went to with Jeff and Jesse a girl i found attractive told me i was a gorgeous boy.
a girl named Whitney i met earlier this summer told me i was 'really really ridiculously good looking'
a male gas station attendant asked me what food i eat. he said he wondered because i was beautiful and he wanted to look like me.
my grandfather's wife told me i look like a movie star, and kept calling me handsome.
when i ran into oliver and Raquel who i had not seen for a long time, Raquel told me i looked so pretty.
a while ago i was walking into a gas station and the gas station attendant asked if i knew two girls named Whitney(different Whitney than above) and heather. i knew them sort of. through myspace and seeing them once at a show. They saw me walking towards the gas station and told the attendant i was really attractive.
Danni firecircle sent me a myspace message saying 'i looked at a bunch of your pictures tonight and i thought to myself - maybe chirstopher tries to make himself look a little mussed up sometimes because if he didn't he'd be so beautiful none of us could look at him.thanks for being so considerate and not burning out my eyebulbs.
you have a very nice "fresh" face with nice skin and lips and eyes. you should look in the mirror for one extra minute today and notice your features.'

and other things people have said.
while it does feel good to hear positive things like these, a part of me does not like it because i then find myself starting to want to be attractive and live up to what people say. this does not necessarily change anything i do with my appearance. i still rarely shower or change my clothes, but i do find myself basing some of my feelings of worth on my appearance. feeling maybe a little down when i do not feel i look attractive, or when other people do not feel i look attractive, whereas before i would not have cared.

that is the funny thing about compliments. they can make you a slave to them. a person may not care much about having a certain quality because they feel it is not apart of them, then they may begin being told they do and it becomes something they may crave. they might begin to allow themselves to need to feel they have that quality to feel good about themselves when before they did not care.


male enhancement.

a little while ago i was watching t.v. and saw a commercial for a male enhancement pill. it wasn't an infomercial but it was longer than a normal commercial.
the main points of the commercial was that the pill had been effective for many men, and it was available to try free.
while watching the commercial i found myself being sold on those two points. i figured, it seemed like it had worked for these men and if it was available to try without any risk why not at least try it?
after a moment of this type of thinking, i realized even if i had no doubt the product would work, and i could always get it free, i would still have no interest in using the product.


this is an email i sent my mom last night. then her reply:

hi mom. i love you. i just wanted to apologize for everything this summer. sorry we had hard times together. i was definitely manic and delusional this summer and i realize all you wanted was to help me. thank you for your concern and being there for me.


Chris I love you so much!! Your sweet email made me cry with happiness. You are so dear to me I don't even know how to put it into words. This means so much to me, I know that you were not your self but I was heartbroken for you to ever think that I would ever do anything to hurt you, I will save this for ever!! I have saved every sweet email that you have ever sent to me. I don't want you to worry yourself about last summer. It was a hard time for both of us, and it just strengthens our love and we both know it was not in any way anything that you had control over, I am SO happy to have you back!!! Please let me know if you are not able to handle life and need extra support. I know how upsetting that can be. Dad and I will always be there for you. We will always love you no matter what.

I love you Chris very much!!!!


when i lived with jeff there were two child molesters i would see around my neighborhood when i was taking walks. i recognized him because i had seen him on the state sex offender registry. whenever i would see them i would start crying. because who wants to be a child molester? i have never had any attraction to a child. but does that make me any better than them? i just never had. it is nothing i have controlled. if i had who knows if i would have done something. maybe i would maybe i wouldn't. but i could never say.
i don't mean to justify child molesting in any sense because i recognize it is awful and ruins life. but in what way could i attempt to hold them to a standard i have never even had to fight against?