appearance.

when it came to my own appearance, i have always felt reasonably satisfied with it, enjoying what i saw in the mirror. i had thought of my looks as being at that point where no one would see me and think, that boy is attractive, but also my looks would not be unpleasant enough to keep me from getting the affections of a girl i was otherwise compatible with.

earlier in my life i would occasionally receive appearance compliments, mostly things about how when i clean up i could look nice, though it was never anything that stood out much. never anything that caused me to think anything different about my appearance than what i wrote above.

but recently, the past many months, i have been getting many compliments about my looks. compliments that surprise and delight me each time.
i remember this summer at a club i went to with Jeff and Jesse a girl i found attractive told me i was a gorgeous boy.
a girl named Whitney i met earlier this summer told me i was 'really really ridiculously good looking'
a male gas station attendant asked me what food i eat. he said he wondered because i was beautiful and he wanted to look like me.
my grandfather's wife told me i look like a movie star, and kept calling me handsome.
when i ran into oliver and Raquel who i had not seen for a long time, Raquel told me i looked so pretty.
a while ago i was walking into a gas station and the gas station attendant asked if i knew two girls named Whitney(different Whitney than above) and heather. i knew them sort of. through myspace and seeing them once at a show. They saw me walking towards the gas station and told the attendant i was really attractive.
Danni firecircle sent me a myspace message saying 'i looked at a bunch of your pictures tonight and i thought to myself - maybe chirstopher tries to make himself look a little mussed up sometimes because if he didn't he'd be so beautiful none of us could look at him.thanks for being so considerate and not burning out my eyebulbs.
you have a very nice "fresh" face with nice skin and lips and eyes. you should look in the mirror for one extra minute today and notice your features.'

and other things people have said.
while it does feel good to hear positive things like these, a part of me does not like it because i then find myself starting to want to be attractive and live up to what people say. this does not necessarily change anything i do with my appearance. i still rarely shower or change my clothes, but i do find myself basing some of my feelings of worth on my appearance. feeling maybe a little down when i do not feel i look attractive, or when other people do not feel i look attractive, whereas before i would not have cared.

that is the funny thing about compliments. they can make you a slave to them. a person may not care much about having a certain quality because they feel it is not apart of them, then they may begin being told they do and it becomes something they may crave. they might begin to allow themselves to need to feel they have that quality to feel good about themselves when before they did not care.