not having internet at my house i find myself not often updating internet diaries.
i have things i could write, but i find that when i am at a computer i don't have the motivation.
i am getting a computer in the mail, probably friday. then the internet will be set up on tuesday. perhaps i will write more in here when that happens.
i most hope having a lap top computer helps me focus on finishing the editing of my book. i had felt i was finished several months ago, but then decided to add considerably more to the book.
now i have money to print the manuscript and send it to agents i also have more motivation to have it in a complete format.
i usually use the internet at byu. i like being on this campus, i enjoy the feeling here. but i always feel a little bit uncomfortable that i may run into amanda.

awhile ago i saw a friend i had not seen for a while at the library. we talked for a while then he left. after a few minutes he came back and said 'you're powerful'
i responded with 'what do you mean?
he responded to that with 'you know you are'
i responded with 'no, what do you mean'
he responded with 'i feel something powerful when i look in your eyes'. then he left.
a chinese woman i had a conversation with a few weeks later said something similar.
it is things like that which i am unsure of how to incorporate. everything but a handful of things i could pass as coincedence or mental illness.
i realize i can remain agnostic on the issue because it does not make much difference if it is true or not. it does not, as far as i can tell, make much or any difference in the way i would live my life.
i cannot see what difference it would make. i still ahve the same desires and goals.

i think i would like to keep this blog for a while without telling any person. i tend to have much of my thoughts and feelings public, because i write so often i diaryland.
i find it helpful to write, knowing what i am writing will be read by others. when i am considering that my words will be read by another, it causes me to be more deliberate in what i am writing. i strive for a greater clarity in my words than i might if only writing for myself. when i write for only myself i don't necessarily need to explain in as much depth as i might otherwise, since i already understand what i am saying. it is more of a record, than a means to explain.
but when i am writing knowing it will be read by others i feel the need to explain the idea as fully and richly as possible in hopes of being fully understood.
also when writing, knowing it will be read by others, i tend to be more likely tobe imagining how others might be responding in their minds or with comments, and so i attempt to address those concerns.
wow, writing is such a catharsis for me. just right now, i as i am writing i feel such a release of stress i had not even fully noticed before.