9.26.2008

lava from the jaws.

There is this girl I like a lot these days. Her name is Marissa. It is going well. We both like each other quite a bit and she doesn't even own a comb.(Hi Marissa. Hi Marissa's mom, Kristan Paolacci)
Whenever I like someone romantically I am reminded of how I am as unromantic as I could imagine. I can't help but not see romantic feelings as nothing special, or nothing magical. Rather just a product of our evolution compelling us as members of a species to keep the species going. That if we didn't have this urge within us we wouldn't see the other person in nearly as special of a way as we do when made drunk by the oxytocin flowing through our blood making us feel connected and bonded in unique ways, urging us to couple and reproduce.
I also can't help but see love as something selfish. Particularly romantic love. Here is another person, another universe to themselves, and because you find them interesting and enjoy their company you want them to give you all their attention. Not just that but you want them to give only you lots of attention. We feel hurt and angry if they do not give us enough or not in the right ways, or give too much of their attention to someone else. The language we use in reference to those we are coupled with. They are mine. That is my girlfriend, etc. expresses the way we approach relationships. But this person is not ours and never will be be, they are an entire universe. We just happened to have been around them around, and enjoy their company enough(which itself is very often the luck of having been raised in the same culture, speaking a shared language with a similar genetic heritage) plus be physically attracted to them the time, and this happening during the time of our life when we were choosing a mate to couple with for the rest of our lives. We might this other universe to commit to us that they will share our bed every night and if they end up becoming too connected with another person we can't share a bed anymore.
And as much time as we spend with them, and as much as we think they owe us, we will never really understand them. Because our internal lives are subtle, complicated, we will always have the entire universe revolve around each of us and they will always have the entire universe revolve around them, and as much as we struggle to convey what it feels like to be us, the ability to actually share an experience with another person is impossible.
We like to think that this other web of neurons and atoms, out of all the billions of others very, is somehow the only one we could or should be with. That maybe what is shared between us is something special or magical.
And even though I can't help but feel these things I also get caught up in the romantic feelings as well. Although my mind my see it all as strange I still have a body which feels all the same things as everyone else.
I also think the love of a parent for a child is delusional. Here is a child, not much different from all other children on earth, but because they carry our genes we have been instilled by evolution to value their survival almost infinitely more those of other children.
Because I say I believe it is a delusion does not mean I do not believe it to be a good thing. I do. It is very important to our survival as a species as well as for people to grow up psychology healthy to have loving parents.
And while I think it is, perhaps based on a biological ingrained delusion, I also do not think monogamy is a bad thing. I am all for it, and think that movements which/do tried/try to break down that barrier were/are doomed to failure. The biology of it is too deep. I think it could be done better. People shouldn't be so needy. To quote borrow a quote from Thoreau: 'If my world is not sufficient without thee, my friend, I will wait till it is and then call thee. You shall come to a palace, not to an almshouse.' But it is how our species evolved and so we should accept it, make the best of it.

13 comments:

marissa paolacci said...

oh hey boy

carie said...

this isn't very romantic. Do you want me to give you lessons?

hudd and anna said...

you think monogamy fits with evolution and our biological needs? it's anna. tell me what you're reading. i live in china and do nothing all day except plan a quilt, read, and write in my journal.

hudd and anna said...

i just reread the last part and would like to retract my comment about monogamy, i was confused.

Isaac isak icekick said...

some sentiment you hear, when someone like you says stuff like this, is along the lines of "let the mystery be." Like if you reveal the science of love it takes something away from it. ( it seems placing a taboo on an area of scientific inquiry is a form of nihilism itself)
I don't see you as unromantic though. You get carried away in other people you have crushes on. it's neat to see you fascinated with Marissa. Did you ever read that Seduction book by Baudrillard? If you find it give it back. he maps out some vertiginous mazes of seduction trying to figure out who is seducing who and how seduction works. There is biological delusions at work in love but also cultural seduction in the narratives of love. RATS OFF TO YA!

Vincent said...

You and Marissa seem two of a kind. May I bless your relationship? I am so glad for you that she doesn't own a comb.

I wish to argue about your labelling ingrained biological urges as delusional. In my own understanding the ingrained biological urge is the bedrock of human truth.

And another thing: how does your title relate to the rest of the text?

If you like someone romantically, how can you describe your self as unromantic?

Are you not just getting caught up in popular connotations of words? Isn't this tantamount to letting others think your thoughts on your behalf?

sweetheart bitterheart said...

she owns a comb. i lived with her. she owns a comb.

chris almond said...

@anna I was very confused by your message. glad it was retracted.

chris almond said...

@
isaac. I still know where that book is and have been reading it. i have been reading it very slowly because i often am confused by its contents.

chris almond said...

@
vincent, thank you for your blessing. the title was based on an inside joke related to telling someone things i liked about them.
by saying i was unromantic, i just meant that what i was about to describe was a very romanticized view of human love. romance in terms of the definition: mystery or glamour

chris almond said...

@
adrienne.
So you think i was duped?

Alison said...

oh Chris. Hi!

1. there is a boy who does look like Eric. Are you in SLC? There is this boy who I see sometimes in SLC (and for some reason always when eric is out of town) and he looks so much like him I feel like we are married. But he smokes and Eric doesn't smoke. So I know they are not the same.

2. Bah hum bug to your post. I respect your thoughts and at the same time totally disagree for the most part.

Yes romantic love, as it is understood by many I think, falls into some of these categories, (selfish,delusional, possessive) however it is not true love because true love is selfless. Why? because being in love is yes, in some regards selfish and of course I wouldn't do it if there wasn't anything in it for me, but at the same it is hard. Really hard. I have to try to be my best self. And keep myself less crazy as a way of showing love to Eric. My natural tendency is to fall deep into myself from time to time, and usually when I do this I hurt myself in some way. Love keeps me from doing this, but it is hard.

Love also acts as a mirror in which you see all of your flaws, all of your shortcomings, everything you wish you were but have a hard time becoming. I think a committed relationships is one of the best ways to really progress as a human being and to stay at your best, so that you have a greater capacity for contributing.

Three books, Jude the Obscure, Thomas Hardy, The Karamazov Brothers Dostoevsky and We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert Johnson

BUT! I believe in God. So that changes a lot of things. However, even when I didn't believe in God I still saw utility in Love and not just for procreation or the sake of evolution.

KISSES! I love you.

Version #2 said...

I curse oxytocin every day of my life. It is a greater deceiver than Lucifer...I wonder if Lucifer feels any sort of competitive feelings towards oxytocin. I want to see a VP debate; Palin vs. Oxytocin.