3.23.2007

i want the shades drawn. and an overgrown lawn.

there is a song that sings 'want do i want with my life now that you're gone? i want your ghost gone'.
what an appropriate line. it is amazing and ridiculous to me that a short interaction with someone can continue to have such a deep impact in my life. that this person's ghost is still able to loom so large.
to make it all the more pathetic i imagine the spot i occupy in this person's mind is next to nothing. something hardly remembered, and in those occasions when i am remembered it is probably with an sigh of regret. something along the lines of 'what was i thinking?'
of course over time the longing and pain has eased considerably. i used to dream of her every single night, now, only on occasion, this gives me hope. imagine how i will be when twice the amount of time that has now passed passes? especially if i am able to find someone else to replace what is longed for.
i have found myself asking people how long it takes them to recover from brokenheartedness. a common response has been about a year. although one has said she has never stopped feeling brokenhearted, even after four years.
amazing that relationships can be so non-reciprocal. that one person can feel one way so strongly, while the other feels nothing.
i felt i had discovered a cave, so rich with treasure whose depth and brilliance was exciting to mine and explore. stimulating my passions and causing me to feel i had entered into a new world whose beauty i had not before realized.
i think one challenge for me has been that our interaction was so brief. brief yet very intense.
because of this, i am left in that fictional world of first knowing someone, when your mind romances and fills in what is not known. had our interaction been longer, who knows what could have happened, perhaps we would have gradually seen one anothers flaws and grown apart naturally, rather than bizarre and unfortunate circumstances shoving us apart suddenly. leaving me longing for what could have been. a longing based on what may only be my imagination.
so this is what future girls have to compete with. my imagination of what someone may be. this is unfair to anyone because perhaps my imagination has no basis in reality. who could someone compete with that? compete with my hoping of what a person is.

it is like some sort of arrow that a ninja or medieval person may have used, that once the arrow enters the victims chest, the arrowhead expands, sticking barbs into the surrounding organs and muscles so it cannot be removed without breaking bones and tearing muscles and organs. because of this i was scared to take it out, despite the pain, and so i left it in. it grew infected.
but the wound is healing, and i am still waiting for this ghost to be gone.

4 comments:

jeff said...

chris man, good entry.

jeff said...

chris man, good entry.

mrs. everything said...

I really enjoyed reading this.
sometimes I think about how I would really like for us to be great friend.s

ararar said...

chris, this is so eloquent and perceptive. signed, thebid